I know it had been such a long time …I know … I know I apologize from you all who had asked me to update and I didn’t . Many things were going on and I really not so sad not so happy to write …
yes don’t be surprised , I write only when I am so happy or when I am so sad..
Right now I am so sad and angry .. so here you go .. I will spill everything out :
I hate when I am underestimated by a person or group , I hate this feeling I don’t like to be called stupid, dumb, grumpy for Allha's sake I swore I am NOT.
I act one to please people ,if I am all the time smart then it will be all me and me I am not selfish, I hate misjudging me . If I am a pain in the ……. then I am out , I will withdraw … yes I will , I hate to feel that I am forced on someone's life ,or they see that I am a burden or i don’t understand them.
I am saying this because I am such a romantic person that when she loves something or someone , she will be a poet , she will be so attached and happy that the person or the thing will give her back the same. I can re-arrange my whole life if the thing I love wants it , but if I didn’t get what I am giving ,first I will protest , object and show my dissatisfaction and slowly slowly I will be sad , wounded , I will remain silent and withdraw.
Really many people, unfortunately didn’t understand me . It makes me feel that I am wrong all the time and I hate this. If I am wrong I love the person who care to tell me what is wrong in a nice unselfish way . It is so hurting when all the time the people you care about let you down and use your weakness against you just because they don’t like it or it doesn't suit them or they think you don't understand them and start putting you in their blacklist.
I hate this because who love you must care about you , must guide you not criticize you , must hold your hands, when you are giving them huge care and love obviously they should give back bigger and larger love and care ..am I right??
My mind never can accept that if you are kind , caring , concerning , hungry for love and affection you face someone says don’t, stop your love they are so much !! why ?? why ??
Why when you give all your love to someone , they will ask you to stop it or ask you to reduce it form 100% to 90% ?? don’t they know that even the 10% that remains will be for them too? Why no one understand Love why ?? why love become a percentage?? Why love become a scary and unwanted beast? Why no one trust other ones feelings any more ?? why no one puts the one he\she loves his\her first priority ?? why if someone says to another I love you... they don’t understand what this word means??? and what miracle that sentence made!!!
why people you care about can't understand that you know what they suffer, what is their circumstances and what they feel ?? why they don’t know that if you love and care about someone then you feel when there is something wrong and even you feel that something good had happen? Why they don’t see that only their voice can heal many pain you feel in your heart ?? Why don’t they see that when they hurt you with even a word that all your pride and eco fall apart??why if you have a different opinion and way of thinking then they consider you stupid and residual? Why why and why ??
I believe if you are not a priority in someone life then you are only and option that have many alternatives. I also think that they don’t feel what you feel or in other words they are not in the same chapter you are in.
I am so disappointed , so in hurt , really but who cares? no one . I discovered that even the most nearest people around you will not understand. It is only Allah only Allah who understand.
I promised myself one year ago that no more interest or care or even love to people who don’t respect my feelings, but I didn’t obey my own rule and I am hurt again and again and again.
I need care , Love , understanding , respect to my feelings and thoughts, hands that support me not feel bored or disturb with my shortfalls .
I think in this life it is impossible , if you care so much you are a disturbance! , if you love a huge love your love is wrong make it less ! , if you need and want to be close to someone that is busy all the time then you don’t understand ! how strange!!!! how this life is so strange .
Sorry for my black update but I gave up , I can't torture my heart and soul any more , either I go and live in a different planet or I will shut down my heart forever.
The last option is the best one ...
May Allah be with you all specially who care and can't find a glimpse of happiness.
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